Are we happier now?

April 21, 2019, and I wrote this as my first content:

"It's when I climbed my heart out and thought real hard. It's when I realize, we both deserve a good chance to travel together. It's when I thought I can't risk losing you again when I almost did and I went sober. It's when I don't have many words to say but YES to us and be happier."

Baby boss, are we happier now? Are we not just wasting every passing moment? Why are the tears? Why are all the melancholy? I'd like to evaluate us. I'd like to live every moment. I'd like to be happy but I couldn't fully be. Can you please help and tell me why? I tried to be really good. I tried my very best to be patient but all good things need to come to an end and so is my patience dear heart. I wanted to climb another mountain and frost atop while feeling numb. I wanted to drain my entire body until I can finally rest and not think and feel for you at all. I swear. Because while I am sane and while this heart beats, it longs for you and I hate it. I hate it every time. I swear. I hate the agonizing pain I give myself every day and I wanted it to end. Please, can you end it for me?

Tell me you're not happier now.