July 1: My shallow reasons

Jeany Roe, hi!

I know my reasons are shallow and that's why I don't want to really discuss them. I tried to poke you real-time on the event they happened or say, whenever these instances of my shallowness come to the surface. However, it's either you weren't paying attention or just not interested that's why you did not notice me at all. I tried to be okay and conversed with you warmly all the way. What can I do? I can't resist you every time. I've wanted to always nag about many things but too many of the matters I wanted to bring about I've actually spoken none to you. Have I vented out? Not at all. I tried to be the best version of my mediocre self that I could be despite the burning anxiety inside.

Let me tell you my story so you won't be left clueless just in case the deep well runs dry. All weeds in my head were watered during your search and rescue training. You left your valuables with me. All your classmates had their smartphones with them but you left yours. I held back all urges to scrutinize because I wanted you to stay the same person that you are without my lurking. I wanted your freedom and free will. However, you have come to share with me all your privacy settings and password. Still, I tried to resist checking things as they may not serve me well. True to my insights, what I discovered didn't serve me well. I chanced to check everything there is to check that it left me days in tears. When I say everything, I mean everything there is possible to check and search. No stone is left unturned. It made me realize and conclude a lot of things:

1. You are still tied up and carrying the burdens of your past breakups. I started to really believe that your courtship was just a tempting trial which ended up an error but you don't know how to nicely withdraw so you carried along.

2. I learned that seven months after we started our relationship you were still doing something, thrilled to know all about your ex. Whatever that is, the thought is, you are consumed by her. All your energy and wishful thinking, regrets, and all the what-ifs were with the thoughts of her. The month of May just before you went on your training, you were stalking her too. Were you trying to show her you needed her still or that she's still welcome in your life? Or were you showing her that you are now happier? I cannot tell. All that's clear to me the perspective of someone who is trying to understand you is that you have not fully healed and moved on. We know for a fact that you were betrayed - at least that's what you said it is. Despite that, you were still consumed by her. You cannot let go of the moments and the plans and the ecstasy you had have. This I think is the reason why you can't also move forward. You are too sneaky to be yourself and to truly love again. You are missing a whole lot and you are letting the years pass by without fully enjoying them. I've come to say this because I've read your conversations with all your friends and colleagues and all the people close to you and all of those that appeared in your chatbox. I've cared to read them all since the time immemorial when you created your Facebook account. In fact, I've read all the convos on both your accounts and I've known you better. All your silence had its voice on the conversations you made with your friends. It became clear to me that your present relationship is just for a season. A season of your grief and emotional healing. You don't really love, you just thought you are. The saddest part is that I was expectant. Yes, I'm a really good and loving friend but I dive deep and fly high to both extremes when I'm in love as a partner. I fancy all the love and attention and the smiles and the hugs and the endless conversations. I wanted to possess all of you and be proud of it but I cannot do it. I just can't because my heart is in tears whispering my logic this: Someone's not going to appreciate it. I tried and it didn't end well. Do you think we just failed to meet halfway? Maybe yes, maybe no. Can you tell?

3. In one of your conversations with your friend, you mentioned that you were just waiting for me to end things. Here I was the poor little me thinking years ahead that we can travel the world and celebrate aurora borealis in its madness together. It was my wishful thinking, yes but no, it was not yours. How silly have I thought of us together and not even bother checking if you actually share the same intent? Was I wrong to expect and be happy by the thought of it? Yes, I am a dreamer. I am an overthinker but I am a sensor too and there's been a lot of those times that I would feel so empty and in pain but I cannot put my hand to it. I can feel something's wrong but my mind could not decipher things so I let them pass. I continued dreaming with us when what was really happening is I was daydreaming all those times. This is how it is to me now after a couple of yours together and not feeling anything established deeper together. I wasn't in a rush but I was kind of saving my time and energy for the person who is in the same pursuit as with my heart. The longest ride. We weren't on a ride, we were sailing...we are floating...and we actually are both aren't sure which way to go. Maybe I will just wait for the biggest wave to his us and toss us apart. Yeah, that's what I'll do because personally, I couldn't have the strength to shoo you away.

4. Well, there was good stuff I discovered too..but as a part of your good person, it is just normal for your appreciation to come to the surface at times. Still, I know that a big chunk of your heart does not beat for me and I was hoping you could just tell me already so we can both be freed. I know that we both are trying to be good but we just aren't a good team I guess. I tried to be good to you and if I will always play that role I will lose myself in the long run because I am not entirely good. I am eccentric, I am ecstatic, adventurous, wild, badass when it comes to my obsession. Yes, I get obsessed with the one I fall in love with and it's hard because I'm not really the expressive type. I only express myself when I feel secured and not judged. I only express myself if I am validated and heard of. But it wasn't always the case with us. I crave all the attention from you I don't care what the world has to give but I think I am not that expressive in my appreciation too. Yes, I am all or nothing. I become restless when I don't get your all and I don't give my all. I become restless if it's nothing at all too. Either way, I am restless but I would have wanted you to be the one to drain that energy too. I never wanted you to shut me away in my bed and sleep alone. I wanted to listen to you talk about your entire day. I smile whenever your happy, you know. But you never knew that because you've only known the shallow part of me. I'm saying this to let you know that tears are flowing free on both cheeks while expressing all this now, you know. It was never easy but I will write everything every day. I will write so I can keep track of this month and this year and see if our days together are serving us well or not.

So I burst out all of a sudden when I received your chat:

i love you

..because two days ago I sent you the same and got nothing...it tells me that you're not really paying attention at all. Not because I tell you I love you every day means I am used to saying the word...I only say it when I mean it and I felt so wasted every time I am not reciprocated, you know...you may call it shallow as it is but that shallow nonsense could have made my day already. If only you know...

Now on the first of July, we barely talk after that long video call. I know why you did what you did. Sometimes I would think, is it all worth it? Am I spending so much thought and energy on someone who can't stand by me? Someone who can't understand me and satisfy my longings? Am I on the right team here? Maybe no. Right?

We'll see how it goes.

P.S.

This is also my second day playing Mobile Legend. That online game I've avoided for years I have finally installed now. Why? Because I badly needed diversion. My characters so far were:

Layla, Lesley, Mia, Euroda, Zilong, and Tigreal...Then my favorite character is Miya coz I've been MVP thrice with her already. Of course, I also had a bunch of good teammates. My initial games were all "VICTORY" that I did not even understand when there was defeat until I first encountered it. LOL! I then realize we were playing real-time already. I'm on Level 14 already and my ranking is Master IV. Well, I'm saying this because I have been sleepless for days recently. I'm overthinking again and I needed to drain myself so I can hopefully go to sleep. I was damn uninspired and I hated it. I hated how I have given you the key to my everyday cheerfulness and I need to regain that before things get worse for me.

P.P.S.

Phone call after the morning argument: None

Video call for the rest of the day: None

Sweet nothingness: None

Post on Facebook: None

Learned juggling two balls already? Not yet but on progress ( this is also the reason I bought the balls...I wanted to divert my attention thinking about you) but here I am writing this nonsense explaining why I shouldn't think about it. Just damn naive.