Missing You

It's been three days since your visit and it's as if you never visited at all - I still missed you. I've been checking this page to see whether you viewed this or not and for me to remind myself of just what I've been and how I've been with you and with us for the past days and years of our relationship. Tears fell. I am feeling lonely because there's something I know is missing. We have some disconnections you refuse to tell me and I don't want to tire you with my relentless reminders that I do not want a guessing game. I analyze yes but I don't guess and I hate falling into the trap of wrong judgement. Right now, what I know that's real is my melancholic retreat. This is indeed a long long while and though I don't think you are reading this page, I will continue to remind myself of our beautiful beginnings and how we tried to work out things. I will try to be fair and honest with you and myself and I will try to open up as much as I could - at least here in the virtual notes of my heart. It's hard feeling rough and yet unable to put a word to it. It's hard feeling blue and yet the person who can cheer you up is just around the corner, seemingly oblivious of it all. All the more it's hard to cheer up not knowing why this lonesome feeling is coming out of nowhere. I know though that I missed you a lot. I miss the soul that once made me laugh and that person who makes me mad and questions my beliefs to end up in a warm agreement. I hope one day you'll learn the art of expressing yourself to me without reservation - like the old friends that we've been. I still am your confidant and I wanted to remain the same, even if your problem is all about ME and US this time. I miss you darling like a feet missing a pair of shoe. I miss you like a pair of gloves missing a punching bag. I miss you like a jar of tea that needs a refill. I miss you like a cell phone without load needing to call. I miss you and crave for you like my favorite green tea (hot Matcha) and I miss you like crazy you will never even know exactly when my madness come to be gone. Unseen. Unheard. Unfelt. Unloved.

I know at times I am insensitive with the words that I say. It's not that I play the role of a child who wanted tutorial every now and then, but I want things fresh and new every morning. I try to play that role of a person that I am, curious, wild, reserve but outgoing, shy but ecstatic, silent but in love. I say what's in my heart and if I go wrong without due notice - I may never know the difference. That's why I insist on talking through things. I insist on knowing the things that you see is wrong because unless my values are questioned or challenged, I might continue to play the same cycle every day. I am not left unaware of the world - I just give it a brand new chance every time. It goes the same with people and with my love. But this feeling of pain due to some undue neglect is tearing me. My actions and words not reciprocated is making me see myself of less value to you and I might end up in complete withdrawal because I wanted to protect my sanity and well-being too. I will not question you anymore. I will just wait. I will be just around the corner, a little sober but hopeful. I hope one day, whatever these misconceptions and misunderstandings that you have with me and my feelings will eventually get resolved. I have allowed you to inspire and light up my days. Now that you are nowhere near lighting my torch of laughter and smile, I feel it hard to draw inspiration. I will have to tell myself again to get inspired from my flowers and my pets once more but I might one day eventually forget what your smile and word is worth. This is one of the things I hate about myself - all the association and attachment. Way too complex and eccentric. I just miss you dearly and it wasn't enough that I have seen you in person. It wasn't enough that I can kiss you, no, it wasn't enough to be able to hold you near. I missed your soul that speaks with mine. I missed that person who delights with my presence. I missed the ability of making you happy and inspired. If I don't infect goodness and vibrancy any longer, what am I to you? Why should I stay? Tell me please because your silence is deafening and your shallow conversation is killing me softly. I just missed you baby boss and it's tearing me apart not seeing the same longing, not hearing the same words, not being reciprocated. I feel like forcing myself to you and forging the key to extend a vacation stay of these lonely hearts - feeling unloved. I hope when I get back to this page it will be a turnaround story.

Updated April 6, 2020 @11:36 PM

I read what I wrote above and it made me recall how you made me feel back then. Tear fell. I don't want to be sober but because I did, it made me realize that I wasn't faking things after all. Though uncomfortable, though inconvenient, I am trying. All I really want in this world is to exist and infect goodness. I have long dismissed the idea of a good and perfect relationship. Before I even started to commit to someone, I already agreed with myself to stay through the ends because every person is unique and you can never find someone perfect - but you can make someone to perfectly fit to your world, a world that we'll both create to coexist. I use to tell myself that, before I would even decide to let go, I'd remind myself of the things that made me hold on. What are those things that made me stay, made me commit, made my heart flutter. Then I thought, well, most people around me needed me in different ways: spiritual and psychological counsel, friendship and sisterhood, relationship advises and the monetary ties and obligations. I asked myself, how or why do I need the person I chose to stick around with? I wasn't really sure of the answer. I have long played the role of a problem-solver that when I find someone to finally solve problems for me, I either tend to expect too much or refuse the help completely. It took me a long time to teach myself to love and prioritize myself more in my growing years. It took me a lot of money before I agreed to do the spending for my own needs too, and that it should be okay to spend for myself. When I opened up my heart and soul for someone, I tried very hard to keep up and stay through the ends but my intuition keeps telling me that something ain't right. I tried to justify every corner of distrust and disrespect, dismissed the idea altogether and forgave unconditionally. But seven-year itch they say, and itch it was and is for me. I finally had the courage to slap myself with the truth that I am not growing and I am not happy as a person with him (and her). All I feel is void obsession and possession of my time without that feeling of satisfaction from my end. I concluded I hate mediocrity and complacency. I hate submitting myself with every standards of the world. I wanted to go out of my way in search of my own essence in living for truth and peace. But what was my truth? Do I have peace? I am just a little soul, often misunderstood and neglected (or so I thought). My truth is, I want to love and be loved. I want to need and be needed. I want to exist and cease the mediocre standards of getting along. I wanted to really live life with passion. I wanted to exist and be impactful. Firstly, I wanted this felt with my significant other. So there I was, with an attempt to live up with my ideals, I tried to save my first relationship. I tried so very hard and eventually found peace and courage in the final blow of letting go and moving on. It may have been a difficult request, my excommunication helped burn the bridges. I was, in silent hopes of us getting together one day when I am more responsible and patient and when he is more honest and capable. However, he became an angel in heaven now. Our friendship and love will forever be a good part of my person. His soul shared memories that are worth learning from and worth reminiscing. Then she came along, a subordinate who became the next important soul in my voyage.

She was the most possessive, aggressive and fun-loving person I've grown to collaborate. All the stolen moments we shared were extremely wild and full of passion. She certainly had that love for me. She crave for my presence, she wants my all. She is so fond of my everything. Her fear of losing me terrified me so much that I don't want to stay any longer. Her obsession has come to a point where it has become my exhaustion and triggering element to burn out. I love her and wanted nothing but the best for her. I know I am not the best for her and her family expects nothing more from me than my friendship - a genuine friendship without strings attached. I love my family and I can see in the eyes of her family that they love and care for he too and I don't want to be that reason for her to close her doors to all other options around her. I don't want her to carry the guilt of being happy. I want her to thrive in her well being such that she can openly express herself to her family or let go of what she was in expense of pleasing them. She must choose the life she needs to live without hide-and-seek and I refuse to become an accomplice to her temporary relief. I know her well wishes for me are far greater than that she has for her siblings and I love her so much because of that. No one has ever made me feel as important as she made me feel. I sometimes think that my family only loved me because they needed me. Then it hit me. Maybe she loved me too because she needed me. Do I need her? Do I truly, madly, wanted her around? Or am I just using her too? I couldn't accept all the thoughts popping up in my overanalytical mind and I burned out. It was a painful decision to let her go and making distance and flirting with others an excuse to hurt her ego and feelings. But I did what I had to and it may hurt her but I wanted to keep her impactful soul to inspire me to be at my best. I do have my friends who advise me the same but in an intimate level - she made me really decide to work on loving myself first and putting myself in the top priority list. I had fun in life thanks to her and one day I hope we can still have some fun time together - although it may not be the kind of fun that she wishes. I know it will take time for her to heal and I will pray for a total healing and growth that she deserve to be able to learn to stand on her own feet and brave her own challenges in the family and community.

Then you came...all out of nowhere. I am happy having you around and thinking of "us" together gives me chills. I am torn between the expectations of my community (specially pressured by friends) and my own self exploration. I wanted to learn more of myself. Who I can be and what I can become. If I'm happy to have you around, wouldn't I be happy to call you my heart? I bet I would be. I thought we've been a bit rush about tying strings together. If I could turn back time, I would have asked you to stay around as friends for a few more months so we'll be able to share more of our pasts and let go of all the burdens. It was different now than when we were just friends. I feel like I have been shut away for reasons only known to you and though I wanted to push for explanations every single time, I've controlled myself not to confront you anymore. I'll respect the space you created and the line you draw as boundary. I already found some RED FLAGS from the very beginning and these are really off to me but I justified everything. Yes, everything. I may be overthinking and overdramatic that's why I chose to just keep these on my own. And for the sake of this disclosure, let me jot them down:

1. When I said I like you too, I love you too - or however I said it, I expected a call. Even just a short one - a sweet short call. But I got a text instead. I'm happy anyway and I said, it should be enough. I was just expecting too much. So I tried not to expect too much or think too much from that point. I thought maybe you were just a little shy but I have that fear too (that maybe you were just trying things and you too are not yet sure).

2. When I tried to hug you for the very first time, I did not feel you feeling the same. I thought I could welcome you with a hug every time because that's just what I always wanted - but it's not how it is. It's not how you want or maybe you don't want it from me. I was shy with that attempt without being reciprocated. I told myself to never initiate a hug or physical contact with you - ever. Only when you do the first move, that way I would know that you would want it too. That was so off for me and I asked myself, why on earth am I still here in this relationship that I don't feel homed and secured. Yet again, I let it pass.

3. When every time we go out together and you will have your earphones stuck on your ears I wished you'd get your dose of deafness one time. Why? Because for Christ sake I'm with you. Yet I cannot talk to you because you have your earphones on. I was shouting in my head "DAMN!". Why am I keeping up with a one-sided conversation? What game are we up to and how long are we playing it? I tried to offer my best version from the very beginning but it looks like we have different expectations and needs. And because I am trying to prove a point, I stayed along. I'm a little numb, I'm a little dumb, but I ain't a joke. I tried to talk something once and because you were wearing your headset you just gave me a sign that you can't hear me. That was an insult but I took it with unconditional patience and forgiveness. Why would you do that? What have I done that I am not resolved with you yet? Those are few of the things that I wanted to know too.

4. When I spoke with doc Mercy over the phone for the first time because you insist that we talk without me really knowing her or us being introduced (because maybe you assumed that we know each other), you know I felt uncomfortable by way she tried to interrogate me and our relationship. Now I understand why she acted like that. Because she was Juvey's girlfriend that time and probably a jealous girlfriend that I never knew. After we spoke, you understood my inconvenience. Instead of asking me why, or telling me something you know that I do not know, or maybe clarifying things to me, instead, you took that chance to tell me that I can still back out. To be honest I felt so stupid just thinking about it. Why on earth someone who says "I love you" would want you to back out from your newly blossomed relationship? I felt rejected and pity was all over my thoughts. I really wanted to say yes let's split up right away but I can't do that just because you said I may not be able to live with the environment that you had. It was a mix emotion. It was liking me as a person in your head but not liking me as the actual person that exist. I jokingly told you with an annoyed tone to never mention it again. Actually, if you did (will) mention it again, I wouldn't hesitate to let go up front..but you did not. It left a negative impression in my heart. What am I and our relationship to you? A guinea pig?

5. On our first Valentine's day, you told me this: "Dili ko mag greet sa Valentines. Dili ko mag celebrate ug Valentines...para sa akoa every day or any day man pwede mag celebrate"....and that is correct. I agree with how you explained it. Clearly you have not moved on from your past Valentine and you are making me suffer our present moments because you are still haunted by your past. You barely moved on. I suddenly thought I am just being used. But I care for you and I wanted you to move on and really acknowledge your worth as a person too, not allow yourself to suffer being used and abused. So I let it be. I let you be. I hated our first Valentine's day...that's why don't ever ask me out on a Valentine's day or don't ever greet me because I wouldn't like the thought of your immaturity (and pain) at that time. Why can't you try to look at love and relationship with a fresh perspective with me? Why do you have to bring with you your past judgements and insecurities from your previous relationships? I know you are hurting but you are not the only human here. I am hurting too.

6. On your birthday, I thought you'd spend it with me because that's what you said: you'll come to the city for a visit. Maybe I hoped too much but I was really excited and had some plans for us but all of a sudden you cancelled your dates and did not really gave me a reason. I feel like I was left out but I'd prefer you to feel comfortable and at home. So I let that pass but I am adding it here so one day we'll both be reminded and maybe talk about it. I apologize in advance for expecting too much. I'm just really very clingy that I cannot express it fully and beautifully.

7. You don't write me your notes on our monthsary anymore. You've grown tired and out of inspiration. That tells me that you are no longer excited with the person that I am and that you are doing the greetings out of routine. Fuck that routine. You can choose not to greet me at all and it'd be fine. I don't know what's going on with us for almost two years now but you seemed to have lots of issues with how I talk to your friends and your twin. I smell jealousy and I understand the feeling. But it was just the same person that I am when I tried to console you on your grief when you were in their shoe. I hope you still remembered that as much as I gave my time, I only offer my hand of friendship and that was a genuine care I have for them - nothing more, no strings attached. It made me smile over your jealous acts sometimes but it would have been healthier if we talk about it in a more relax and mature nature. I tried to talk things with you but we ended up blaming one another. I know you hate that and I hate it too. Sometimes, I'd think, maybe I have not made you feel needed and important, maybe I was not able to express my feelings in a way that you would understand. That's why I accept your occasional silence but I don't want you to just shut the door completely. I hope we can talk about our unresolved issues too...

8. When you come to visit me every time, you were not really having any plans whatsoever. You came and then I feel like you were just counting days when you will go back to the city. Since I don't know what you want and do not want, I don't want to initiate plans too. It would shatter me whenever I plan something or I am promised something that will not be honored or be done so I avoid getting myself insane. It turned out that you were expecting something from me too. At least I know that you were hoping to do some stuffs but just did not have the chance. But the last visit you had which made me write what I wrote above, you left me feeling empty. It's like you dug a hole in my stubborn and dumb heart. I don't know but you were not really that person who came for a lover - you seemed to a me who came for compliance. If it's how it is for you, please don't come ever again. I can go home and we can meet. I don't know why I had all this malady in mind. I wish I was just overthinking but my gut feelings are telling me something else. I know we had some fights prior to your visit. I know I've spoken words that hurt you too and I shouldn't have said that. I did not regret saying what I said because it relieved me and gives me freedom to be just me, not someone trying to be or trying to please you. Although, truth be told, I've always tried it in my little unconverging and disconnected ways. I want you to visit me because you missed me and you love me, not because you have to submit for compliance.

You see, listed above were lots of major RED FLAGS already. Yet I stayed and I am staying still. I will hold on until I no longer have the strength and reason to believe. I don't want you to make cover ups. I don't want you to be guilty. I only want you to be happy. If you don't see yourself and future with me which I know you don't, then stop trying. I hear you. I hear you share your plans of your future and not really including me or inviting me in. I can hear you say that you are better off alone and although I don't acknowledge it, I understood it well. I can still love and care for you in a way that will not involve "US" together in a relationship. I'm just hurting because maybe I'm still broken inside and even if it has nothing to do with you, I see all the triggers from everything that you do and say. I apologize if I am distant and silent at times. I am busy nagging on myself if not out of this world again. I am very complicated. I would even have a hard time fully embracing myself too, sometimes. So for all that I am and I am not, thank you for getting along. I'm sorry if I am not the person you wished to actually have or want to be together with. I would know the feeling if that is the case because I've been there too. So no need for an apology, just sincerity and honesty. The items above were just little red flags and when I think about it, I've actually listed more and more of those things I have been thankful for because of you and your person. I had them all written in the beautiful notebook that you gave me. Those beautiful things are the reasons that I am still holding on despite these many RED FLAGS I see. I am not a difficult person to empathize so just don't underestimate my love and understanding for you. I am a jealous and possessive girlfriend and I am still learning my art of expressing it in the most humane and acceptable manner. However, if you will ever tell me one day that, you tried your best but you just come up with a conclusion that I'm not really that person who makes you happy, then please, with arms wide open, I'll hug you for being brave and honest. After all, trying very hard for the sake of being good but not feeling right will eventually kill us both so it is better to live our separate ways and find ourselves again in the pursuit of finding another who can add value to what we already have from within. I missed you.